A continuation of the account of my
swashbuckling adventures
Having achieved the rank of Spit-Scrubber, I continued to progress
up the ladder of pirate ranks.
My next task was to sketch some
hook-hand alternatives. My creations included:
1. a curling iron
2. a bubble wand
3. a toothbrush
4. a sock puppet named Mr. Puddington.
Since pirates are known to be a
scruffy breed of folk, the following challenge involved shaving. No matter how hard
it seemed, I couldn’t, under any circumstances, shave my face for seven days. I
was to track my progress by drawing seven pictures of myself detailing exactly
how much facial hair I accumulated.
The pictures looked remarkably similar and
I failed to produce a beard.
However, having technically completed the
requirements of the challenge, I advanced.
Next I had to go one entire day
without a bath in order to mimic life aboard a smelly ship. This was hard--I
mean hard. I felt gross aaaall day. I kept my arms resolutely pinned to my sides
in order to keep any odorous stench from escaping. This eventually created great
discomfort, but I made the sacrifice for the sake of the innocent by-standers
in my vicinity. I also had to tell 5 people that I wasn’t taking a bath. I
chose close family members and one friend who teased me relentlessly (more for
my misery than for the actual not-showering.)
Next, I had to choose my favorite
foot and learn to appreciate it, in case it was ever replaced by a peg leg. I
was then to trace my favorite foot and write about adventures that my foot and
I have had. I wrote the following:
Well, my foot is awesome. We’re pretty close. We have
been a ton of places together. One time we bounced down the hundreds of stairs
on the trail of Huayana Picchu in Peru. And another time we slipped and fell in
the Irish Sea and got Mom’s camera all wet. My foot feels bad about that one. Recently
my foot and I did a lot of dancing on a cruise ship. It dances better in heels
than in sneakers. We also went kayaking together in Alaska, but it spent the
whole trip in a smelly rubber boot.
Along with this challenge I had to
walk with a peg-leg limp one entire day. My leg got very tired, but I completed
the task. It must not have been a very obvious limp, since I don’t recall
anyone asking what was wrong with my leg. Perhaps I was simply surrounded by
perceptive people who knew a pirate-challenge when they saw one. I was also to write
a reason I was missing a leg. My reason was that it was bitten off by a giant
man-eating sea turtle.
Following this challenge, I advanced to the rank of
Deck-Swabber.
The seasickness challenge was definitely
the most difficult in my journey so far. I was to write my name, spin around
ten times as fast as I could, and then write it again. Then I was to spin
around ten more times and write my
name a third time. I was literally sick for hours. But, my dedication was
rewarded by being raised to the rank of Hook-Sharpener.
My second most nausea-inducing
challenge was the seawater challenge. In order to acclimate myself to the taste
and smell of seawater, I was to take five hearty pinches of salt and add it to
a cup of water. For added authenticity, I was to add a piece of fish. Then I
was to gargle the concoction and record my reaction to the taste of true pirate
life. I recorded the following:
Ugh! YUCK! BLAAARG! ICK!
AAAAaaarg! EEEEEEK!
Okay,
so I may have overdone it on the salt. Since I didn’t have any fish I wanted to
make sure I had enough authentic yuckiness, so I put in 5 pinches plus a whole lot. Pirate life tastes disgusting.
One of my next tasks had to do with
diving for treasure. I was to gather ten coins (doubloons preferred) a
flashlight, and a bed. I was to wait until night, sit on my bed, then throw the
coins on the floor. Then, I was to use the flashlight to go and find the coins.
However, when I was off my bed I was to pretend that I was diving underwater,
so I had to hold my breath. Any time I had to breathe, I had to get back on the
bed first. I took 6 trips, but I found all of the coins in the very first round.
I also found a hair tie I had lost under my bed. The second time through I decided
to truly challenge myself in order to prove that I was a dedicated pirate proselyte.
This time I used 3 quarters, a gold dollar, a credit card, four doubloons (yes,
I own pirate doubloons—I told you I was dedicated), and a car wash token. I
forsook the flashlight and found all of the items in complete darkness!
This granted me the rank of Ship’s Cook.
In order to reach the rank of Peg-Leg-Attacher
I had to practice burying treasure. I was to use a spoon to
bury a quarter somewhere in the yard. Then I was to wait until night-fall and
draw a treasure map to the quarter under the covers of my bed. I was to then
hide the map in my sock drawer. This being accomplished, I now patiently wait
for the day when I will venture forth to find my buried quarter. I am, however,
apprehensive of the difficulty as the ground has since frozen.
Next I had to see how long I could
say “Arrrr!” without stopping for breath. Being a trained singer, I imagined
that this was a task at which I would excel. I was right. My first recorded
time was 36 seconds. After experimenting with variations
in pitch and breathing technique, I managed to extend this to 60 seconds on the
5th try. This raised me to the rank of Flag-Hoister and I was able to fill out my official
application for a pirate license—a most auspicious moment in my career.
The exam included a section in which
I had to define various pirate terms. Thankfully the score was based on
creativity instead of accuracy. I defined a forecastle
(apparently the deck at the front of a ship) as a place with high stone walls
where you play golf. I defined a halyard (a rope) as a place outside the
front of a house where the robot from the movie 2001 lives. I defined a ketch
(a small boat) as a word for crap you have around your house.
To whoever finds this note - I have been
imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry against my will. Please please
please please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle.
Mission accomplished.
I can now proudly introduce myself
as First Mate!
As I write this, I am now a mere 6
ranks away from accomplishing my ultimate dream of becoming a pirate captain. I
undertake this journey with due reverence for those who have
gone before me, those who have poured their sweat and tears into the rigors of pirate
training in order to achieve swashbuckling greatness. I hope to follow in their
footsteps. I dare not take any task lightly, for fear that I should then find
my title, when conferred, hollow and empty due to lack of effort in the
obtaining of it.
And thus concludes, for the present,
the account of my pirate journey.
