Several
years ago, I was given a wonderful book.
A
book called
Pirate's
Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers
by
Jory John and Avery Monsen
This
book changed my life forever. With its help, I have embarked on a journey of
transformation that has led me through challenges of utmost significance. It
will shape my inner spirit and outward actions and will totally transform my
being. At my journey's great end, I will achieve my life's most sacred
ambition...
To become a pirate.
On
this day, in the Year of Our Lord, 2013, I lay down this faithful record of my
journey.
My
first task was to choose a pirate name.
Formula as follows:
Descriptive word + Name + Something
Shiny
I
weeded through several alternatives:
Squirrely Hortense Lamé
Royal
Glenda Disco Ball
Phosphorous
Bambi Diamond
Fearsome
Brunhilda Tinfoil
Fanciful
Meriwether Stars
I
mixed and matched and finally settled on:
Fearsome Meriwether
Lamé
Next I had to choose a ship name. The
only stipulation for this was that it had to have the word “The” in the front.
Here were some of my attempts:
The Gnarly Wart
The Blinding Headlight
The Melty Snowman
The Raspberry Truffle
The Chocolate Bean
I finally decided that the ship in which
I was to sail boldly o’er the waves, my floating dominion, my pirate domain,
could only be called one name; one name to tame the untamable seas; one name
that would echo endlessly to the corners of the vast ocean; one name to strike
fear into the hearts of all who heard it:
The Happy Teacup
My next task was to draft a packing
list of the things I would be packing on my pirate journey.
My list contained
the following:
1. Chapstick
2. Speakers
to play my foreboding theme music
3. Roller
blades
4. Pens
and inks for ransom notes
5. A
hot water bottle
6. My
best tiara
7. Nail
clippers
8. Sunscreen,
so I don’t get cancer
Having completed my packing list, I
was then to practice the ancient art of navigating by the stars…and by
navigating I really mean making up constellations using groups of random dots
on a page and then giving them catchy names.
My creations included:
Lucky the Chipper Schnauzer, Hubey the Steam Shovel, and Allan the Disconcerted Sand Crab.
My first true pirate challenge had
to do with knot tying. I was charged with the task of tying and untying a pair
of shoes as many times as I could in a minute. After completing this daunting
task an impressive eight times, I was raised from the rank of Shark-Bait to that of Landlubber.
My next mission was practicing for
an eye patch. I had to perform several tasks
with one eye closed:
1.
Tie my shoes
2.
Tie someone else’s shoes
3.
Walk from room to room
4.
Wash the dishes
5.
Play ping pong
6.
Walk on my tiptoes along a straight
line
while juggling and humming and thinking
about math
What’s that you say?
Why, walking on your tiptoes along a straight
line while juggling and humming and thinking about math, of course!
Not so.
My list of hardest things to do with
one eye closed:
1. Owning a pair of shoes with
laces.
2. Keeping Werther’s Hard Candies
intact
while playing ping pong with them.
3. Getting someone to let me tie their
shoes.
After completing this challenge I
was raised to the next pirate rank:
Squid-Kisser
One of my next challenges involved
practicing scurvy prevention. I had to eat as much fruit as I could.
Preferably, a bowl of fruit salad the size of my head. I gave it my best
effort. Following is the list of all the different fruits I managed to eat over
several days:
Bananas
Lots of grapes
Apple…just one
Fruity yogurt
Pizza
Lemonade
Ice cream…with fruit colored sprinkles
Strawberries
Tomatoes (yes, a fruit)
This challenge raised me to the rank
of Parrot-Trainer.
Much better than
Squid-Kisser.
Next came the Hook-Finger challenge.
I had to have my left pointer finger in a hook shape for as long as I could. I
started at 6:45 AM and finally quit at around noon after 5 hours and 40
minutes.
It turns out the hardest thing to do with a hook hand is take a nap.
It is hard to tell your hand what to do while you are asleep.
At the end of my
challenge I was to write a short story about a boy or girl who all of a sudden
has hooks for fingers.
Here is my story:
Once upon a time there was a boy who lived on a hill in a
big old mansion all alone. His name was Edward…ScissorHookhands. One day
the Avon lady came and brought him down to the town. At first everyone liked
him and let him sculpt their hedges and style their hair, but then some mean
kids tricked him into breaking and entering, so no one liked him anymore. Then
he killed the kid who was mean to him, and he never got to marry the girl he
liked.
The End
This hoisted me up to the rank of Spit-Scrubber.
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