Snow Day! Then and Now

Just a short reprieve from my pirate journey, in honor of today's snow day, to share a fitting tale of parallel snow days at age 13 and 24.

 

An Excerpt from my first journal (Lisa Frank dolphins, for visual reference)

 

 

March 11, 2001   Age 13

 

Today is a truly momentous day in kid history.

My first snow day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I woke up and the snow wasn’t too bad, but the radio…

              See! They just said it again!! Like two seconds ago!!!

GASP…They said it AGAIN!!

 

They keep saying it is really bad—like sideways snow, zero visibility, power outages, terrible roads, but I don’t see anything out my windows. Partly because they are all wet.

 

The snow doesn’t look that deep, but it must be bad at the bus terminal. They are saying it is an actual “winter storm warning!”

I need to call someone. I am so excited!

We are having power outages, but it doesn’t bother me too much.

 

And now for the inspirational part… 

 

            As the sky begins to fade from black to navy to purple, the sun is dawning on a new world--a new day; a day where children rush to turn on the radio to hear the glorious news; a day when parents weep and evil principals cry their eyes out. I declare, with great pride, the first snow day of Jefferson County. I declare March 11, SNOW DAY!

 

~~~ **0** ~~~

Fast forward to age 24, teacher. 5:30 AM Alarm. Groan. Sit up. Shuffle to window. Snow drifted driveway. Stare. Contemplate. Look again. Snow drifted driveway. Husband parked behind me. My car in garage.

Driveway width= 1 car. Driveway length= 3 car. Snow=lots. Husband=asleep

 

Plan

Task 1: Remove snow behind husband’s car.

Task 2: Move husband’s car somewhere out of the way. Parking on street not legal...Lawn?

Task 3: Remove snow behind my car.

Task 4: Move my car somewhere ELSE out of the way...No idea.

Task 5: Put husband’s car back in driveway.

Task 6: Put my car back in driveway behind husband and wait for carpool buddy.

Task 7: …Figure out a better plan. Preferably one that isn't so hard.

 

5:42 AM. In the shower. Groggily trying to untangle the problem of car and driveway.  Phone rings. Turn of water. Dripping wet. Answer phone…Superintendent.

 

Stunned silence. Dreaming? No, dripping wet.

 

SNOOOOW DAAAAAY!

 

Too excited to go back to sleep! Finish shower. Bound into bedroom. Husband happy, but asleep.

 

Looking out into the snowy dark.

 

Think to self: This is the time of day I am always driving through the night, looking up at dimly-lit windows, and stewing with jealousy that those inside are cozy in their beds as the twilight brews its purple hues while I am on the cold path to work.

 

Triumphantly put PJs back on. Snuggle down into bed, watching dark blue sky through blinds.

 

Task 7: Check.

Tasks 1-6: Mentally tear into little pieces. Toss like confetti.

 

Too excited to go back to sleep? Never mind...Zzzzz

 

 

 

My Rise to Pirate-hood: The Journey of an Aspiring Swashbuckler, Part I

Several years ago, I was given a wonderful book.

            

           A book called

                                

Pirate's Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers

by Jory John and Avery Monsen

This book changed my life forever. With its help, I have embarked on a journey of transformation that has led me through challenges of utmost significance. It will shape my inner spirit and outward actions and will totally transform my being. At my journey's great end, I will achieve my life's most sacred ambition...

To become a pirate.

On this day, in the Year of Our Lord, 2013, I lay down this faithful record of my journey.

 

 

My first task was to choose a pirate name.

                                      Formula as follows:

 

Descriptive word + Name + Something Shiny

 

 

I weeded through several alternatives:

 

Squirrely Hortense Lamé

Royal Glenda Disco Ball

Phosphorous Bambi Diamond

Fearsome Brunhilda Tinfoil

Fanciful Meriwether Stars

 

I mixed and matched and finally settled on:

Fearsome Meriwether Lamé

 

Next I had to choose a ship name. The only stipulation for this was that it had to have the word “The” in the front. Here were some of my attempts:

 

The Gnarly Wart

The Blinding Headlight

The Melty Snowman

The Raspberry Truffle

The Chocolate Bean

 

I finally decided that the ship in which I was to sail boldly o’er the waves, my floating dominion, my pirate domain, could only be called one name; one name to tame the untamable seas; one name that would echo endlessly to the corners of the vast ocean; one name to strike fear into the hearts of all who heard it:

 

The Happy Teacup

 

My next task was to draft a packing list of the things I would be packing on my pirate journey.

My list contained the following:

 

                                  1.    Chapstick

                                             2.    Speakers to play my foreboding theme music

                                             3.    Roller blades

                                             4.    Pens and inks for ransom notes

                                             5.    A hot water bottle

                                             6.    My best tiara

                                             7.    Nail clippers

                                             8.    Sunscreen, so I don’t get cancer

Having completed my packing list, I was then to practice the ancient art of navigating by the stars…and by navigating I really mean making up constellations using groups of random dots on a page and then giving them catchy names.

My creations included:

 

 Lucky the Chipper Schnauzer, Hubey the Steam Shovel, and Allan the Disconcerted Sand Crab.

 

My first true pirate challenge had to do with knot tying. I was charged with the task of tying and untying a pair of shoes as many times as I could in a minute. After completing this daunting task an impressive eight times, I was raised from the rank of Shark-Bait to that of Landlubber.

 Slowly, but surely, my ascension had begun.

 

 

My next mission was practicing for an eye patch. I had to perform several tasks

with one eye closed:

 

 

                                     1.    Tie my shoes

                                                 2.    Tie someone else’s shoes

                                                 3.    Walk from room to room

                                                 4.    Wash the dishes

                                                 5.    Play ping pong

                                                 6.    Walk on my tiptoes along a straight line

                                           while juggling and humming and thinking

                                           about math

 

These I faithfully accomplished. Even the last one…well, for a minute.

 

I was then to record some things that were tricky to do with one eye closed.

 

What’s that you say?  

 

Why, walking on your tiptoes along a straight

line while juggling and humming and thinking about math, of course!

 

Not so.

 

My list of hardest things to do with one eye closed:

                                                         1. Owning a pair of shoes with laces.

                                                                          2. Keeping Werther’s Hard Candies intact

                                                             while playing ping pong with them.

                                                                          3. Getting someone to let me tie their shoes.

 

After completing this challenge I was raised to the next pirate rank:

Squid-Kisser

 

 

One of my next challenges involved practicing scurvy prevention. I had to eat as much fruit as I could. Preferably, a bowl of fruit salad the size of my head. I gave it my best effort. Following is the list of all the different fruits I managed to eat over several days:

Bananas

Lots of grapes

Apple…just one

Fruity yogurt

Pizza

Lemonade

Ice cream…with fruit colored sprinkles

Strawberries

Tomatoes (yes, a fruit)

This challenge raised me to the rank of Parrot-Trainer.

Much better than Squid-Kisser.

 

Next came the Hook-Finger challenge.

I had to have my left pointer finger in a hook shape for as long as I could. I started at 6:45 AM and finally quit at around noon after 5 hours and 40 minutes.

 

It turns out the hardest thing to do with a hook hand is take a nap. It is hard to tell your hand what to do while you are asleep.

 

At the end of my challenge I was to write a short story about a boy or girl who all of a sudden has hooks for fingers.

Here is my story:

 

Once upon a time there was a boy who lived on a hill in a big old mansion all alone. His name was Edward…ScissorHookhands. One day the Avon lady came and brought him down to the town. At first everyone liked him and let him sculpt their hedges and style their hair, but then some mean kids tricked him into breaking and entering, so no one liked him anymore. Then he killed the kid who was mean to him, and he never got to marry the girl he liked.

The End

 

This hoisted me up to the rank of Spit-Scrubber.

Five ranks up!...Only seventeen more to go. 

  

 Tune in next time for more of my exciting pirate journey!

 

Pin the Tail on the Apocalypse: How to throw a killer (belated) End of the World/New Year’s party

Party in true Willard-style.

 

These 21 easy steps have been tested at Willard Laboratories and are proven to provide a maximumly awesome party experience:

 

1.       Choose a venue. Preferably a family member’s house with a large kitchen and wide-open area with a hardwood floor dubbed “The Ballroom.” Invite a dozen or so family and a couple of friends.

2.       Decorate with a foil flower garland, shiny purple and green end-of-the-world palm tree (repurposed from a 14^th birthday luau), and Mayan statuettes obtained on South American vacation.

3.       Dress awesome. Define awesome in own terms, then dress that way.

4.       Wear a mask. Any kind will do. For best effect, combine glittery, flouncy-feathered Mardi Graz masks with creepy Halloween masks. Since number of available masks will likely exceed persons present, it is acceptable to create various mask combinations, including “evil Satan on his way to a nice masquerade party”, “scary monkey face on backwards body”, and “four faces at once, one on each side of head.”

5.       Despite debilitating lack of cooking ability, make delicious Oreo balls by mashing up a package of Oreos with a package of cream cheese, rolling them into little marble shapes and dipping them in melted almond bark chocolaty-stuff. As people rave about how scrumptious they are, make sure everyone knows you did these ALL BY YOURSELF. Tell no one the recipe.

6.       In keeping with the theme of preventing apocalyptic zombie attack, cool beverages using specially-made ice cubes from molds made to look like miniature bullets and guns.

7.       Using the plastic-cup-labeling Sharpie, on your beverage write: “I survived the apocalypse and all I got was this lousy cup.”

8.        Play “Pin the Tail on the Apocalypse” using an enlarged picture of the X-Men villain, Apocalypse. A picture of the back of the Apocalypse action figure from a toy website works perfectly, as do printed outlines of Eeyore’s tail. Participants over 40 spin blindfolded one time. Under 40 spin three times.

9.       Draw a picture of the earth and tape it in the middle of the floor. Borrow four pairs of your brother’s grey socks and roll them up into asteroid-shaped balls. Take turns throwing them at the earth.

10.   As a family, sing the “I Touched the Rains Down in Africa” song by Toto in multi-part harmony because you can.

11.   Turn the hardwood floor into a stocking-footed skating rink. Don’t bash into the china cabinet.

12.   Establish traffic patterns for skating rink to accommodate multiple occupants and minimize collisions.

13.   Don’t try to skate fancy like your niece.

14.   On hardwood floor, do the Electric Slide to music from Xanadu. In fact, do the Electric Slide to every song. It works most of the time.

15.   Do impression of Lily Tomlin’s “Edith Ann”, a five year old girl telling about the time she made a mustard, peanut butter, pickle, olive, pretzel, raisin, lettuce, cheese, and oatmeal sandwich; then decided it was yucky, so she took it apart and put everything back where it was.

16.   At 11:45 prepare noisemakers and those party-blower things that unroll when you blow into them.

17.   Discover that when inserted into the rolled end of the blower-thingies, the noisemakers can be launched across the room with a surprising degree of accuracy.

18.   Spend several minutes perfecting the art of noisemaker launching.

19.   Hone your skills to the point that two or three of you can simultaneously launch noisemakers at each other, then all catch them.

20.   At midnight, dance and sing “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” by REM at the top of your lungs. Chorus only—verses are too hard. Then mumble along while everyone else sings Auld Lang Syne because you don't know the real words.

21.   Enjoy 2013. J