My Zombie Home Defense Plan

 

Defense Point 1: Front Door

Location:  second floor.

Access by a noisy flight of wooden stairs. Would give several seconds of warning in case of zombie approach. Keep door dead bolted at all times. Option 2: Chop down wooden deck with a chainsaw to prevent entry through front door. Don't own a chainsaw... Pre-appocolypse task: Get a chainsaw. High priority:  Board up window beside door. Maybe now. Just in case...Though landlord may obect...Landlord would understand in case of zombie attack...unless landlord becomes a zombie. Yes. Board up window.

 

Defense Point 2: Basement

Extreme Priority: Board up basement window! Entry point to lower level. Not just the wimpy piece of wood that keeps the window from sliding open--big fat boards. Need extra rounds available in case wave of zombies enters before window can be secured. Note: don't shoot husband's drum set. 
Rethinking: drums=loud noises=zombie attraction.
...Don't worry about drum set.
After threat neutralized and window secured, perform sweep of lower level to rule out any hidden residual threats. Check shower first. Scary things always hide in showers.
On second thought, don't check inside shower. That's when scary things pop out and grab you. Shoot at shower until hidden zombie either emerges or dies. Or until nothing comes out because the shower is empty.
Need to plan for disposal of neutralized zombies that will have piled up during assault. Possible short-term body storage in garage until safe egress through garage door can be determined. Not noisy big automatic garage door--little quiet regular people door. Keep door deadbolted at all times when not disposing of bodies.
Prolonged body storage not advised. Icky, smelly, gross dead people. Breeds disease. And bad smells. And vermin. And bad smells. Disposal will be dangerous, as area around garage door not visible from safe windows on second level. May need to create diversion at rear of house to draw zombies away from garage door while disposing of bodies. Need prolonged loud noise--Husband's drum set.
Okay. Don't shoot husband's drum set.

 

Defense Point 3: Living Room and Kitchen

Living room bay window and kitchen window on second floor far from the ground. Offer clear views of approach from north and west. Post sentries at these points. Snipers, too.
Need to find some snipers. Or learn to be a sniper.
Yes--learn to be a sniper.

Defense Point 4: Bedroom

Location:  rear of house.

2 windows, 7 to 8 feet off the ground. Too high for most intruders, but should board up in case of extra-tall zombies...Or zombies that used to be acrobats...Or zombie cheer leaders that can form human pyramids...Or zombies wearing stilts. 


Main Definsive Position:
In case of zombie intruder within home, fall back to position outside bedroom door overlooking stair well. Position affords clear shot to front door while crouching behind solid stair rail wall. Clear shot also available to stairs from same position. Perfect advantage in case of zombies ascending from lower level: target presents back of head at close range while traveling up the stairs. Can neutralize threat before giving away defensive position.

Food rations:

Minimal. Need to stock up next trip to HyVee.

Need more canned and dry goods. And lots of citrus fruits to prevent scurvey. And bottled water in case of contaminated water supply.
And Zebra cakes...because I like them.

Weapons:

Save handguns for close-range combat.

Use rifle for long-range defense from kitchen and living room windows.
Dagger collection little use in hand-to-hand combat with zombies—must injure brain.
Need to invest in a baseball bat.

 

 

                …I don't think I should watch The Walking Dead anymore.