Pride and Prejudice For Dummies

A timeless classic in layman's terms:

Once upon a time there were 5 sisters: a smart one, a pretty one, a boring one, a whiny one, and a stupid one. Their mom wanted them to get married really badly. One day a handsome rich guy came to town and all the sisters got really excited. But, the handsome rich guy also brought his nasty sister and his way more rich and handsome friend. Everybody liked the friend better until they found out he was a jerk. Not-Quite-as-Rich-and-Handsome Guy really liked Pretty Sister. Rich Handsome Jerk offended Smart Sister by not dancing with her, so she hated him a lot.

Desperate-to-be-a-Mother-in-Law made Pretty Sister go to Not-Quite-As-Rich and Handsome Guy’s house in the rain so that she would get sick and have to stay longer. It worked.

Then along came the sisters’ really gross cousin. Gross Cousin wanted to marry Smart Sister. Desperate-to-be-a-Mother-in-Law also really wanted Gross Cousin to marry Smart Sister. Smart Sister said no.

Then the sisters met a suave guy. Smart Sister kinda liked him. He told Smart Sister that Rich Handsome Jerk had cheated him out of a really important job. Smart Sister was super mad at Rich Handsome Jerk.

Just when it seemed like things were going swimmingly for Not-Quite-As-Rich-and-Handsome Guy and Pretty Sister, Not-Quite-As-Rich-and-Handsome Guy left town. Pretty Sister was really, really sad. Smart Sister was really, really sad that Pretty Sister was sad.

           Speaking of sad, then Gross Cousin married Smart Sister’s BFF. Smart Sister feels bad for BFF because Gross Cousin is gross. BFF asks Smart Sister to come visit them. Smart Sister does. While visiting, Smart Sister meets Rude Super-Rich Lady because they go to her house a bunch. Smart Sister is horrified to see Rich Handsome Jerk at Rude Super-Rich Lady’s house. It turns out she is his auntie.

Rich Handsome Jerk pays a lot of attention to Smart Sister at Rude Super-Rich Auntie's house and Smart Sister is weirded-out. Smart Sister finds out that Rich Handsome Jerk made Not-Quite-as-Rich-and Handsome Guy leave town so that he wouldn’t marry Pretty Sister. Smart Sister hates him a whole bunch more.

One day, out of the blue, Rich Handsome Jerk asks Smart Sister to marry him. She says NO WAY because he was a jerk to her sister and a jerk to Suave Guy and is just a big, fat JERK! Handsome rich guy leaves in a huff. Then he gives her a letter. The letter says that he was a jerk to Pretty Sister, but he is kind of sorry. It also says that he was not a jerk to Suave Guy and that Suave Guy is really a liar-liar-pants-on-fire who took lots of money and then tried to run off with his little sister. Smart Sister is mad at herself for being so mean to Rich Handsome Jerk. She goes home and decides not to tell on Suave Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire, who is about to leave town.

Stupid Sister goes on a trip to stay with some other stupid people and Smart Sister goes on a road trip with some family. Smart Sister and family go to see Rich Handsome Jerk’s house which is way huge and impressive. Rich Handsome Jerk isn’t supposed to be home, but he shows up and Smart Sister is embarrassed. She is shocked when, instead of acting like a jerk, he is super nice.

Then Smart Sister gets a letter that says Stupid Sister ran off with Suave Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire, which is really really bad. The whole family goes looking for Stupid Sister and Suave Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire. Smart Sister is sad because she thinks Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk won’t like her now because Stupid Sister is a ho. They look and look and look. Finally, they find them. Suave Liar-Liar-Pants-On-Fire agrees to marry Stupid Sister if they pay him a little bit of money. Smart Sister is pretty sure he really got paid a whole bunch of money, but thinks her uncle did it. She finds out it was actually Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk who paid him and is really grateful.

Then Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk brings Not-Quite-as-Rich-and-Handsome Guy back to town. Not-Quite-as-Rich-and-Handsome Guy finally asks Pretty Sister to marry him. Everybody is super happy.

Then, Rude Super-Rich Auntie comes to town. She thinks that Smart Sister is planning on marrying Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk and she tells her not to, or else. Smart Sisters says Nuh Uh!You’re not the boss of me! Finally, Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk comes over and tells Smart Sister that he still really likes her, but if she still hates him he understands. Smart Sister says she is sorry she called him a big, fat jerk and thanks him for doing so many nice things. Rich Handsome Not-Such-a-Jerk asks her to marry him again. She says yes.

Happy ending! Desperate-to-be-a-Mother-in-Law gets 3 out of 5 sisters married. All except for the two that aren’t that important.